I had planned to stop drawing for a while, kind of let everything from the past week sink in. As mentioned earlier, though, I feel off today with no clear reason except for a couple of maudlin memories of things that likely can’t be recaptured. I felt there was more to it than those two things, so I drew a card to see if it triggered any kind of self-reflection for me that would help me identify what seems “off”.

I’m not going to follow the recent format, just to keep this simple.

Drawn: VII Wands, inverted

Snippets: [copypasta from Biddy Tarot] It may seem as if you are under constant opposition; even if you are weary, this card urges you to keep fighting for what you believe in; stand strong, own your position and don’t change who you are just to keep others happy; it is time to draw your line in the sand and say, ‘This is who I am, and this is what I need right now’; there cannot be any compromise or negotiation at this stage; hold your ground with determination and courage; can also mean you think others are perpetually criticising you — your family or friends are questioning your choices, such as staying in a challenging relationship or an unfulfilling job, and you would prefer if they could just keep their mouths shut and let you be!

Reaction: Hmm. Pretty much spot on, if I think about it. Needs more reflection, but I am tired of holding my ground on a few things.

Mostly based on whim, but also because I have a birthday coming up and I thought I’d I’ll draw a single tarot card each day for the week. Everything through Thursday this week was for my past/present, and the weekend (including Friday) for the shape of things to come. Today is a “future” card and the final day of this sequence.

Caveats: See my 29 March post for full caveat language. I don’t see use as a divination tool, but as a tool for self-reflection. Interpretations are paraphrased or quoted from biddytarot.com unless I note otherwise. This is not an endorsement of the site or their definitions. Images are Rider Waite for copyright reasons, but I use the Crow Tarot deck in person.

Final draw this sequence.

Today is VII Cups (upright):

Interpretation:

New opportunities, choices, however, some may be illusions and unrealistic ideals. Evaluate each choice carefully before choosing. Sometimes wishful thinking; without the willingness to take action put in the hard work now, these choices and decisions are little more than pipe dreams. Focus on one thing, don’t let the “shiny objects” distract.

“This card is inviting you to move out of the ideas and options phase and choose. Each will have its pros and cons – it’s up to you to make sure that the option you select is in alignment with your purpose and your Highest Good – even if you feel somewhat paralysed by the options available to you.” [Biddy Tarot]

Reflection:

I’ve already had to face some of these hard decisions over the past week as I’ve started getting myself more invested in some of the reflections this sequence of tarot cards drawn has triggered within. Even the list last night of questions and topics to consider as I try to pare down my “system” and distill it into something someone else could understand shows just how much work there is for me to reclaim and untangle some of the things I have shoved into a box and tried to keep to myself.

On one end, there is just trying to find a place for myself, as a solitary seeker or with companions. On the other end is this idea of making a mark with some of my thought processes. The truth of where I’ll end up is probably somewhere in the middle after reflecting on this week’s worth of tarot card reflections.

So I look into each cup, review the options presented and find myself taking more than a few minutes to ground myself as I consider what each option holds. It’s easy to eliminate a few of the offerings — I would rather continue practicing alone than get involved with a group that doesn’t support my own understandings of the way of things. It would be easy to get egotistical and think I could “change the world”, but that seems like its own poison, so it is equally easy to discard that thought, too. Even considering the option of dedicating some of this stuff to a separate web domain seems a bit overblown until I actually have more than a few somethings written on the matter — or even until I clear up a few discrepancies of my own that I’ve been too lazy to correct or rethink up until now.

But looking forward, as I said I would do with the cards I drew over the weekend, I think I have a set of milestones to set for myself, at which point I can reassess if I’m making progress. Essentially, the goal is to get something written and internally consistent and get involved with a small group of like-minded individuals to check my thinking. If everything goes well beyond that, then I look at other ways to get involved in the larger community. There are more milestones and checkpoints than that, but you get the gist…

In ways, this card is a bit anti-climatic, as I reflect on it. It seems like the natural progress from the more high-energy messages early on in this week of readings.

A final word:

Thanks for checking in and reading what I have to say about the matter. In ways, I see myself hitting a bit of a turning point anyway, and it can either be as intriguing as hell to watch someone undergo these kinds of thought processes, or pure drudgery. As I write more about these subjects, I feel like I am coming into a rhythm and I expect that these kinds of thoughts won’t be exclusive to the pages I’ll set aside. These may take the place of more of my reflections on the past, as I have increasingly felt okay letting those things I have clung to for years slough off and fall to the wayside — or it may augment those posts. I’ve learned to never say something is finished or that it is the new standard. Regardless, thanks for joining me on this part of the journey, even if you decide not to pursue it further.

Mostly based on whim, but also because I have a birthday coming up and I thought I’d I’ll draw a single tarot card each day for the week. Everything through Thursday this week was for my past/present, and the weekend (including Friday) for the shape of things to come. Today is a “future” card.

Caveats: See my 29 March post for full caveat language. I don’t see use as a divination tool, but as a tool for self-reflection. Interpretations are paraphrased or quoted from biddytarot.com unless I note otherwise. This is not an endorsement of the site or their definitions. Images are Rider Waite for copyright reasons, but I use the Crow Tarot deck in person.

Today is IX | The Hermit (upright):

Interpretation:

Soul-searching, introspection, being alone, inner guidance. Realizes profound truth and knowledge is within, not without. Journey, led my inner wisdom and guiding light. It is a time for introspection, seclusion and contemplation.

“The Hermit often appears when you are at a pivotal point in your life and considering a new direction. Through meditation, contemplation, and self-examination, you may begin to re-evaluate your personal goals and change your overall course. You will look at your life with a deeper, more spiritual understanding and a few of your priorities will change as a result.” [Biddy Tarot]

Reflection:

Full disclosure: this isn’t the first card I drew this morning, but the third. As amazing as it may seem, and in spite of numerous shuffles in between, Six of Wands (upright) and XX Judgment (inverted) appeared first, exactly as they had appeared in earlier readings from this cycle. I decided against both, as I felt they represented more of a reinforcement of the earlier internal messaging and we needed something new to go off of for the future, which started yesterday. Interestingly, it was yesterday’s card that came up first. Take that as you will.

Again, with the unspoken thought in the back of my head at the beginning of this sequence of drawings that leaned into the spiritual side of my life, this card actually seems to imply I should stay the course with my solitary practice (or wait for some wise hermit to give me guidance). I may find a group to work with, but it will be very small, if one looks at the other parts of the card meanings Biddy has: Finally, the Hermit may appear in your life as a spiritual mentor here to raise your vibration and enhance your consciousness. The beauty of this mentor is that, while he may be an expert in his own right, he will teach you how to find your answers within you.

I’ll have to think about this one further, but it does seem to mirror some of my thoughts from last night as I was posting my curmudgeonly overview of two books that I found lacking — that I might have to accept that I have reached the limits of what books and other people can teach me and that I should really just dig in and quit looking for quick and easy answers.

It also pairs up with my continued thinking about exploring in writing some of my own understandings and codifying them to test those things once they are outside the chaos of the mind. I was waking this morning and my immediate thoughts were to start writing this down sometime in the next few days. It’s not something that will be solidified in the near future, and it will probably involve iteration. If so, I have a tentative name for this effort, which also came to me as I lay in bed trying to get motivated to wake up: The Ninth Wave Project. I can explain that name in a later post; suffice it to say that it is a British Isles Celtic reference from antiquity. If I actually get somewhere with it, I may drop the “Project” from the effort. But… I get ahead of myself here.

Anyway, I’ve suspected for a long time that I need to catalog my thinking instead of having a heaping pile of dirty laundry in that brain cavity, and this card only drives me to actually getting off my duff and sorting things out. Will what I write and clear up be useful to anyone but myself? That seems doubtful. But I’ve always maintained that if what I do helps even one person do something they wanted to do (writing, music, spiritual), I can consider my life a success.

Tomorrow is the final drawing… Dumdumduuuuum

Mostly based on whim, but also because I have a birthday coming up and I thought I’d I’ll draw a single tarot card each day for the week. Everything through Thursday this week was for my past/present, and the weekend (including Friday) for the shape of things to come. Today is a “future” card.

Caveats: See my 29 March post for full caveat language. I don’t see use as a divination tool, but as a tool for self-reflection. Interpretations are paraphrased or quoted from biddytarot.com unless I note otherwise. This is not an endorsement of the site or their definitions. Images are Rider Waite for copyright reasons, but I use the Crow Tarot deck in person.

Today is VI Wands (upright):

Interpretation:

Success, public recognition, progress, self-confidence. A milestone is reached.

“The Six of Wands is a positive encouragement to believe in who you are and your accomplishments so far. Have faith in what you’ve done and how others will receive it. Do not let fear or guilt stand in the way of your success.” [Biddy Tarot]

The work is not done (milestone, not finished), so there will still be work to do and challenges to meet. With the support of those around, it should be easier to see things to the end.

Reflection:

Well, for once it’s an upright card…

Because a lot of the reflections I’ve had for this week of readings have centered around the idea of spiritual growth (perhaps subconsciously impacting my personal reflections), I’ll stick with that as what I should think about with respect to this card.

One of the things I’ve considered off and on over the years is trying to codify some of what it is that I actually embrace as a spiritual path. While it is all fun and games to confuse folks by saying that I am a “pan-poly-animist shamanist following a Celtic/Northern European/Irish Druid path influenced in part by Lakota, Anishinaabe and NW Coastal beliefs, with a Taoist/Zen Buddhist philosophy and influenced, in part, by Grail and Arthurian myths”, the general reaction is a bit of drooling or grumpiness leading to comments like “You forgot Christianity in there someplace, I’m surprised you didn’t add that your mix,” in which case I mention that I see value in that as well, but more gnostic and mystical traditions of that faith, mixed in with some Jewish and Islam, but that seems too much like a mouthful and they don’t influence my thinking as much as they once did…

It’s fun, but not entirely true over the past few years, as I’ve started shaving off the things that don’t fit so well into my cosmology. For my own benefit, I’ve considered starting to write down some of my actual thoughts so I can argue with myself and refine just what fits and does not fit into this thing I have in my head. I haven’t decided for sure, but I might start jotting these down on “pages” rather than “posts” so they are there to find and view for anyone interested, but don’t become part of everyone’s feed for those who have zero interest in such things.

How does this have anything to do with today’s draw?

Well, as I get more comfortable publicly returning to these discussions about what my worldview is, I think I’ll gain confidence and not just consider doing some of these things that I’ve been thinking about doing, including returning to the neo-pagan community. In part, while I don’t plan to use the credentials for legal purposes, I want to be able to feel I am contributing positively to other’s growth and well-being in a “ministerial” capacity (although I may very well be done with weddings this time around). Part of that is refining what I am and what I believe; and in the future, I am confident that in doing so I can have quite a bit of support for choosing that path.

So, in effect, I think Six Wands as a future read is encouragement to “step up” instead of sitting in the wings and endlessly “considering” a more involved path.

Mostly based on whim, but also because I have a birthday coming up and I thought I’d I’ll draw a single tarot card each day for the next week. Everything through Thursday this week as past/present readings and the weekend (including Friday) for the shape of things to come.

Caveats: See my 29 March post for full caveat language. I don’t see use as a divination tool, but as a tool for self-reflection. Interpretations are paraphrased or quoted from biddytarot.com unless I note otherwise. This is not an endorsement of the site or their definitions. Images are Rider Waite for copyright reasons, but I use the Crow Tarot deck in person.

Today is X | Wheel of Fortune (reversed):

Interpretation:

Note: This card reversed has some conflicting messages when compared to the other cards from the week. Some fit “better” and, at the risk of cherry-picking meaning, I am listing the interpretations that fit better with cards drawn earlier in the week.

Signifies opportunity to take control of your destiny and get your life back on track, starting with accepting responsibility for where you are now. Consider what you can do to avoid making the same mistakes you’ve made in the past. There may be some personal resistance to change, subconsciously or consciously. Accept change is inevitable and things will flow much smoother.

“…[T]he reversed Wheel of Fortune might mean that you are finally breaking a negative cycle that has been present in your life. Perhaps you have realised how your actions have created a repetitive situation and are now ready to break free from the cycle. For some, this may flow naturally following a period of introspection and self-discovery. For others, things may need to hit rock bottom before you are ready to see what is no longer serving you (especially if the Devil or Tower is in your reading).” [Biddy Tarot]

Reflection:

Me and the inverted images, sheesh. And Major Arcana. Sheesh.

Full disclosure, I basically ignored the “bad luck” element of the interpretation. If anything, my life is actually feeling more like good fortune, while the “resistance to change” and having negative elements in my life until recently seems a bit more “in tune”.

Enough quotation marks. Let’s get down to business…

I have spent most of the past 30 years of life struggling to come to terms with accepting change and acceptance that I do not have the control I used to think I had. In fact, I think that for the most part I’ve been succeeding in that mission, to the point of annoyance for some people who have known me (part of one of my friendships dissolving was because I kept talking about accepting change as inevitable with a friend who didn’t care for my “hippie-assed bullshit” anymore). It started in earnest about 25 years ago, during the events described in yesterday’s reading. I won’t go into that tale again. At the time, I got fixated on the Death as symbolic of change, ravens likewise symbolic of change (I had gotten comfortable with my totem), and the cyclical nature of change so much that I had Death leaning over a Celtic circle of entwined ravens tattooed on my leg to be a persistent reminder that change was necessary and inevitable.

But that doesn’t mean I instantly accepted that truth. It took me until recently to fully accept that mantra. Part of acceptance is also understanding that any control I thought I had about most changes was illusionary at best. There is part of me that probably still clings to the idea that if I don’t like how something changes, I merely need to apply willpower to force a change I like better — or to prevent a change.

I hit a dark spell there this past winter. Honestly, it still lingers a bit, but I’m tired of the with self-feeding negativity defining me.

I told someone recently that I’ve started to grasp some of what I felt on a spiritual level when I was 18-23 (I actually limited it to 18-19, but I have since reflected that the spell lingered on closer to the age of about 23). Without going into details, it was a period where I felt comfortable in my own skin for once and I felt I could do almost anything. I was making strides in my practice that astounded even me and it seemed like I could see tons of patterns emerging out of the whole cloth of my reality. It was only when I uprooted myself in the process of chasing unicorns (that were nothing much more than old pipe dreams) that it fell away and everything seemed broken (and got worse). It ways, I think my experience did break part of me and it’s taken this long to rebuild whatever was decimated — in large part because of my leaning into the escapism of liquor and, then, letting myself be talked into medication that altered the fiber of who I was because it was easier than approaching my problems head-on.

So, to sum it up, the draw today could have had some potential dark messaging, except I think I am beyond those messages for the moment. Let’s say this is the final day of “past and present” and look forward for tomorrow.

Mostly based on whim, but also because I have a birthday coming up and I thought I’d I’ll draw a single tarot card each day for the next week. Everything through Thursday this week as past/present readings and the weekend (including Friday) for the shape of things to come.

Caveats: See my 29 March post for full caveat language. I don’t see use as a divination tool, but as a tool for self-reflection. Interpretations are paraphrased or quoted from biddytarot.com unless I note otherwise. This is not an endorsement of the site or their definitions. Images are Rider Waite for copyright reasons, but I use the Crow Tarot deck in person.

Today is V | The Hierophant (reversed):

Interpretation:

You are your own teacher, the wisdom sought is from within — you are being encouraged to follow your own path and break from tradition. External approval is no longer needed — you are ready to go at it alone and in your own way.

“The Hierophant reversed is also about challenging the status quo. You see alternative ways of viewing the world and are ready to test the very ideas and concepts you were taught were the ‘truth’. You no longer accept the rigid structures, tradition and dogma surrounding you; instead, you seek out opportunities to rebel and reclaim your personal power… Taken further, the Hierophant reversed is like a rebellious teenager who begins to question society and take part in anti-institutional activities.” [Biddy Tarot]

Reflection:

What is it with me and reversed cards? Or Major Arcana for that matter? I swear, I do shuffle each time, cut the deck at various intervals (not always approximating half a deck) and I checked and it seems like an equal distribution of right-side-up and inverted… Anyway…

Again, this card seems to align with the recent past and present (we are closer to the mental pivot between past and present in my week-long tarot reading plans, so “present” seems reasonable). I’ve been my own teacher for quite some time in terms of spiritual matters, roughly 25 years, although I’ve consulted respected people during that period. Just never anything long-term. I’ve been a “solitary” seeker since my return from Seattle to the Minneapolis area in ’95.

I’ve been very quiet about my reflections and practices since then, even around immediate family (for example, my kids have no clue what I practice/believe, although the eldest suspects she knows at least some of it). This is quite contrary to how I approached things in the late 80s and early 90s, where I was quite vocal about my stance on a number of issues, and quite involved in the community at large, trying to shake things up and get people to stand up and be recognized.

While I had some private conversations with several people on how to push things to the next level for (at least) us, I didn’t have enough “time in” to push things too hard, so I largely followed what was then the common practices at the time. I’m sure I would have stay involved and built up “cred” to start suggesting some of the things our little group discussed amongst ourselves if I hadn’t left the area to live on the West Coast. But I did and, even then, I might have returned to something when I came back if I hadn’t be so utterly devastated by the divorce that took place while I was away from the area. In retrospect, I should have jumped back in to the community and I might have benefitted quite a bit from doing so, but I was an emotional ruin of the person I had been after feeling utterly betrayed by everything I valued and loved.

So I dug into other things and kept to myself, embracing the shadows. Going more philosophical than ecstatic spiritualism (shorthand for shamanic).

Recently, however, I’ve been drawn back to some of these investigations over the past few years, as I discovered I am not really suited for Zen (I’m too rebellious, much like Ikkyu). I find value in just sitting (zazen, meditation), but I reject the idea that it is the only way, or even the best way, to practice. Plus, I’ve never been able to reconcile some of my more mystic experiences with those I’ve had practicing Zen and Tao. So, in the past year or two, I’ve picked up my backpack and started another spiritual journey, except that it is back to where I began, informed in a way that was different before and with hopefully more wisdom than I had 25 years ago.

As always, however, I am suspicious of rules and rote rites, so I’m not sure I’d find a collective who would have me — as I would be that over-aged teenager questioning things that were established as tradition if I felt it needed to be questioned. Instead, I should probably continue to blaze my own trail, as I can “feel” I am at the edge of grasping something that exists without dogma or rigidity — or maybe even “form”, if that makes any sense. Plus, it might only be useful for me, so I see no point in foisting it on others.

Once again, the draw is eerily applicable and would not have been so much if I had drawn the same card upright. Webs and intrigues…

Mostly based on whim, but also because I have a birthday coming up and I thought I’d I’ll draw a single tarot card each day for the next week. Everything through Thursday this week as past/present readings and the weekend (including Friday) for the shape of things to come.

Caveats: See 29 March post for full caveat language. I don’t see use as a divination tool, but as a tool for self-reflection. Interpretations are paraphrased or quoted from biddytarot.com unless I note otherwise. This is not an endorsement of the site or their definitions. Images are Rider Waite for copyright reasons, but I use the Crow Tarot deck in person.

Today is X | Swords (reversed):

Interpretation:

One thing I’ve got to commit to with drawing cards in to lay them down and worry less about how they got to the position they are in when down (upright or inverted). I overthink it, honestly and I started to place this one upright because I was not consistent with my draw and placement and I initially laid it down as inverted. I realized that it would have looked different if I had drawn and placed as I did yesterday and started to “correct” the placement — then stopped myself. It is what it is.

Unable or unwilling or resistant to inevitable change. Time to “rip off the bandage and get it over with”. Personal growth and regeneration is on the horizon. Old pains need to be dealt with once and for all so progress can be made. Time to stop dwelling on a painful past and make plans to reshape the self. Forward looking.

Recovery, resistance, regrowth.

“Finally, the Ten of Swords reversed can appear as a welcome sign that the pain and sadness you have been feeling is ending. When upside-down, the swords in the man’s back look to be falling out, releasing him of the pain and hurt he has been suffering. You are releasing the memories of the past and allowing yourself the opportunity to move forward with a sense of renewal and hope for the future.” [Biddy Tarot]

Reflection:

Well, there you are, Swords… I was wondering when you’d show up.

While I know quite a few people consider Swords cards to be unfavorable, I think a large part of that is because they are not ready to accept being told that change is needed and inevitable. I’m not one of those people — my studies into Taoism and Zen Buddhism have prepared me to accept that everything is transient and ephemeral. For instance, I’m one of those strange people who doesn’t see death (the ultimate change for some people, the point of no return) as a finality, but part of a larger cycle. So, I accept the messaging of the Sword cards as being vehicles for change, as painful as it might be.

This message does seem to work hand in hand with yesterday’s Judgment card. Resistance to change, a need for recovery and healing. Then — move forward, even if I’m hesitant to go the direction I am left pointing.

If one looks at this card for direction, I think it tells me to put the past in the past, let it go (pains and transgressions of others and by myself), embrace hope and acceptance, and realize my true potential.

Mostly based on whim, but also because I have a birthday coming up and I thought I’d have some fun with doing tarot readings leading up to it, I think I’ll draw a single tarot card each day for the next week to see what I have currently going on in that archetypal head of mine looking into the present and my future. Let’s go easy on the cards and I’ll consider everything through Thursday this week as past/present readings and the weekend (including Friday) for the shape of things to come.

Normal caveats apply: I see tarot as potential method of understanding the inner psyche and self-learning — I don’t see it as a divination tool. I know there are folks who strongly disagree with me, but I know there are also quite a few who see tarot in the same light as me; a tool for self-reflection. This is why I never do a reading for anyone else, because it can confuse the issue by me applying my interpretation on their understanding and perhaps biasing what they might learn from tossing down any number of cards. Most people throw down at least three cards (often more), but I like to keep it simple and just draw a single card. Interpretations are paraphrased or quoted from biddytarot.com unless I note otherwise. The choice for using that source is the site is not ad-riddled, the definitions are largely in agreement with what I find elsewhere with some of the more mystical elements stripped, and it is easy to find a card without drilling down. It is not an endorsement of the site or their definitions.

Today is XX | Judgement (reversed):

Interpretation:

Period of reflection and self-evaluation is required. I may have kept universal themes woven through my life secret or hidden. Work on self-forgiveness, self-acceptance, self-love, release and freedom.

The Call: “The Judgement reversed often appears when the Universe is trying to send you a message and invite you to something bigger, but you’re not listening. Maybe you’re afraid of the sacrifice you will need to make to heed the call, or you’re worried you are not ready to step into a more prominent role and just want to play it safe. You are doing your best to pretend you didn’t receive it and are carrying on with your daily life, hoping it will go away. But let’s be honest – the ‘call’ never goes away; it just gets louder and louder until you pay attention. It’s time to push past your inner fears and self-doubt, and trust that the Universe has your back. This is happening for a reason.” [Biddy Tarot]

Reflection:

I find it interesting that I see to keep drawing major arcana with some of the reoccurring messages at the same time that I have decided to dig down into my personal understanding of the universe and try to “bite my own teeth” a bit on the matter (which is why I think it has proven somewhat of a trial at times).

As I delved into the Eastern philosophies to augment my other studies in the late 90s, those other studies/practices fell by the wayside (at the time: Lakota myth and ritual, Celtic shamanism) as I felt I had found the essence of what I was trying to reach in Taoist and Zen approaches, but I never felt entirely comfortable in leaving my other knowledge buried. I kept getting drawn back to parts of it that still seemed to hold secrets or value. However, telling folks you are into Zen and Tao is received a whole hell of a lot better than saying you are a neo-pagan or a witch, even thirty years later. Sometimes, it’s nice to not have to swim upstream. “Playing it safe” is what I’ve done for most of those years, not rocking the boat, not asserting my thoughts and opinions too strongly, not getting involved. My alcoholism did a lot to damage my standing, and I often doubted what I thought I had previously understood. Was it true understanding? Or just the fantasies of dear beloved drunk guy?

But, longer-time readers will notice that I’ve undergone a bit of an inflection point these past few months, and starting to come back to the Old Ways, only I should probably call it my New Old Ways, because it is informed by all the intellectual journeying I’ve done over the years and only resembles the other interpretations of the Old Ways in the overlaid veneer I have pasted over it. I don’t even know that “Old Ways” should be applied, as I struggle to reconcile that the phrase may largely be fantasy and has only the slimmest of data to inform it. I’ve started refreshing my brain, investigating, looking to the spirit, trying to reclaim what I had buried deep inside for the sake of expedience and quietude. I don’t know that I see myself as a witch, or even a neo-pagan these days. Part of my process of late has been trying to define myself (see first paragraph in this section), and I don’t know that either apply in the way that most people understand the words — at large or in the community itself.

I see this card (as drawn today) as a confirmation of that process of embracing who I am instead of hiding or hating on who I am. It is one of those past/present cards which points to the place I was and the process I am undertaking. It was a valuable card to reflect on.