Reporting in

After the torrid post yesterday, I owe it to people to report in today. I’ve been busy working my ass off and haven’t really had an opportunity to post anything meaningful today. Hence, the relative radio silence.

There is also not much to report. I could have used some deep sleep last night, but loud noises in the middle of the night conspired against such plans. And when I get woken up, I rarely can get back to sleep, especially after the witching hour of 3am. So I got about four hours of sleep and I’m physically a zombie to go along with my emotional fatigue.

But, even with all of that, I am less “at risk” than yesterday. I had a few folks check in on me through private channels, as well as some very encouraging words from some of you here. I had a real good hard think about myself because of an ebook that became available from the library the day before yesterday that I was reading to get my mind off of the more sordid elements of my thought processes. Although I give scant credence to the author’s authority, it did get me thinking about some of my shamanic pursuits in a completely different light and awoke in me a different perspective than I had been entertaining until I read it.

I started considering this morning and last night what I really wanted, needed, out of the journey I have been talking about taking over the past few weeks and I think it has ended up consolidating around some new and old things.

I need to touch base with my raven friends back in Seattle. We have the occasional raven appear in Minnesota, but the covids mostly consist of crows and blackbirds, neither of which are very good at conversation. Yes, I used to talk to the ravens when I lived in Seattle. Yes, I realize how that sounds. And no, it won’t be the same ones, most likely — but I think they will remember me. I need to touch base with them, as they were always my totem and these years of being away has frayed the connection we once had, and I need to renew it to get my head back on straight. I’m pretty certain, anyway.

While I also wanted to tick off a few more states from my 50-State Tour, I am only mildly interested in California. I’ve technically been in Nevada (airport), and I have no burning desire to add Kansas or Utah to my list other than to tick the box. The lower rail line would have added Arizona and New Mexico to my list, but then I’d miss out on hanging with my friend and add more days of travel for little reward. I decided to spare my friend a visit (in Reno), at least for now, because she is a single mother with a teenage son who is severely autistic. While she invited me to stay, I know how disruptive breaking routine can be for her son and, although I would have loved to have seen her, I don’t want to add to her stress levels by showing up, although I apparently always am welcome.

So, instead, I am looking into staying in Portland for a few days instead of making that longer loop. It would give me an opportunity to check out a city I never got much of a chance to investigate, and it would feel more natural to someone used to the habits of the NW Coastal personality (versus the California personality, which is, frankly, less laid back in my experience). I want to blend in at both cities, not come off at all like a tourist. More like a curious resident. Plus… ravens.

I still haven’t entirely discounted the idea of Iceland or Finland, but I think I should probably wait until I get my crap together before attempting that journey.

So how does a journey fit in with my decreased anxiety? Well, it goes back to that book I mentioned at the top of this post. I won’t bore with the details, but the book specifically covers a specific wanderer and it triggered in me a desire to emulate that entity to some degree — although I can’t just come and go as I please as he does. But the book discussing him also gave me renewed perspective about what I need to get back into a proper state of mental health in relation to taking journeys, both spiritual and temporal. It made me realize the frayed connection with my totem. I may be a Minnesotan through and through, but I do have a strong connection to the NW Coast after my time there. I need to touch base with those roots and bring that back into my life. Honestly? I sense it may do a world of help to ground out in those places and reset my head.

That might sound weird to anyone who doesn’t feel those kinds of things in their soul in the way that I do, but it is a thing. Believe me. Even thinking about these things is soothing to me, which is strange to me; I have only found that soothing feeling outside of myself, rather than internally, for a very long time.