©2021 Michael Raven
Sorry for any wonk anyone experienced this morning while they were visiting the site. I was trying out several settings that I’ve generally avoided over the years to see what was possible in terms of what is around the site to view.
Essentially, the question I had is: What happens when I want to overhaul myself? And: How can I apply those personal choices to the site?
One of the themes in my life has been the urge to drop out — more than stop social media or cut off friends and family. When I say drop out, I mean grab the bare necessities, walk out the door and not look back. Then, change my name, change my appearance, and just become hard to find in general. Have a bit of a financial buffer to get me started, but walk away from the bulk of my savings as well. Leave the old me entirely behind. No smartphone, no car, no home, no nothing.
To be most effective, I probably should have done it years ago. But it cycles back to me all the time as discontent rises with realizing “things as they are” arises. I’ve not been happy with my current lifestyle for years (approaching twelve or so years is an estimate), just before I embraced sobriety. But I kept following the “easy” path of discontent afterwards — either reflective of my experiencing feelings of guilt, suffering from manipulation, or being just plain lazy. “When is a gift not a gift?” to quote the movie, the remade Dune, that I watched last night. The same thing can be said about the “easy” path I took in life. It took no guts and, it seems, every time I muster up the guts to do something different, the plans I have go awry and I end up stewing in my discontent. Being stuck in a life situation, no matter how comfortable, is no gift when you find the comfort you have is linked to onerous details that you don’t rightly recall having agreed to in the bulk of it. Then you feel trapped, disenchanted, and discontented. My comfort is no gift and the frayed edges of everything are showing.
There is also my long-term depressive state, my dysthymia, to consider as well. It has felt more like two steps forward, three steps back, five steps forward, four steps back… in terms of progress. Some days I feel eminently capable of dealing with the world. Other days… It is a struggle to get out of bed. Or, as in the case of the past twelve hours, get sleep or feel motivated to eat. Therapy presents options for how to consider the situational elements, but sometimes those tools just don’t work. Sometimes it is a flathead screwdriver you hold when you need a Phillips. Or, more likely, one with a star tip. Occasionally, you just have to ride it out, especially when you are on your own either by choice or circumstance.
Nor does it help that, due to my deep digging into my spiritual side, I am feeling more alienated that ever before as I begin to understand things in ways that most people can’t or don’t understand things, including those people who nominally practice some of the same systems of spiritual belief. I see interconnections and patterns that others cannot see and when you see patterns like that, you start to see both the past and the not-past in a different way than everyone else. You get hints of things that once likely happened as well as things that seem likely to happen once again in the woven patterns. Working from the presumption that everything is a cyclic spiral, one can see the possibilities and patterns stretching outward from of you in either direction. They seem strange and weird when you try to share them and people tend to distrust when you are being strange or weird.
One might think it is comforting to be able to see patterns. It is not. In fact, I’d rather I didn’t these days.
Especially when you doubt that you are seeing the patterns you see and start to consider the real possibility of some latent psychosis.
Tying this all back to the urge to walk away… I have certain feelings and perceptions that make the urge to walk off the set of my current life all the more imperative feeling. I don’t want to go into those things that I perceive… They are important only inasmuch as they are additional drivers (I wouldn’t dream of asking any of you to embrace such whacky stuff) towards my discontent. If they are real perceptions, then everyone will know in due time, if they are false perceptions, then I am one of the few to be impacted by any derangements I might have. But they add a sense of urgency that I’m not entirely sure anyone else would feel if presented with those ideas.
Essentially, I have the strong urge to move from comfortable discontent towards action before the choices are made for me, as I fear some may have been made already (on a daily basis at times).
And sometimes I think to much and should just take that step off the ledge and see what happens — will I walk or fall?