©2021 Michael Raven
I don’t know if anyone else has this issue, but I’m having one of those “anxious days”.
For some unknown reason, my anxiety has been escalating throughout the day. It happens every once in a while, and today is apparently one of those days. It’s one of those “I could use a drink or a smoke” kind of days, both of which have not been part of my life for over ten years. In fact, I’d probably be chain-smoking like a fiend if it were twenty years ago… I would get all tied up in knots, sometimes about actual things, but just as often about nothing that I could put my finger on — and then I would go through a pack or two a day (back when you could afford to do such things). Fortunately (or unfortunately), I don’t have that habit any longer to rely on. And drinking is out of the question.
I started off my day fine, aside from waking up later than usual and feeling discombobulated the whole morning as a result. Then I got back home from my one must-do chore for the day and started getting wound tighter and tighter as the day progressed. And, by the time cooking for dinner came around, I was.. not manic, but charged like you wouldn’t believe, and increasingly surly to boot.
Of course, it doesn’t help that I have issues with several of the rack extensions in Reason (for some reason, they all three decided not to speak to the PC keyboard’s “piano keys” in the past few days) and glitches always get me annoyed. Nor does it help that I had cleaning to take care of before I could cook. Nor does it help that I would much rather be doing something else than what I have available as options to do tonight. So, annoyed — I can see. But… anxious? Why?
I hate these anxious days. They make me want to just “run off and join the circus”, if anyone knows what I mean by that. I want to be selfish, to escape from everything and I have no outlet for that tonight. I want to go do irresponsible things and tell the world to take a flying leap at a rolling donut.
Because, honestly, I know I could potentially find a calmness after I gave in to these impulses, however selfish and impractical they are.
And maybe, just maybe, I should quit being so damned responsible all of the time. I don’t know that doing so ever helped me in the long run.