Dead Letter Office

Photo by Ahmed Adly on Pexels.com

I’m going to try to keep this short. I’m not known for being concise, but I will try.

I’ve been suffering from some intense depression this past half year or so. Maybe more — I don’t keep track of these things, honestly. When you live your whole life with depression as a constant presence, the intensity is sometimes just a detail, unworthy of taking note of.

I’m discovering that having an online presence is starting to make my depression worse. I used to think I could write and that it would solve most of my problems, but I’m seeing that it is starting to have the opposite impact on me than intended. Some of it, I’m fairly certain is the public nature of my posting. Each piece is intensely, deeply me — for all of the obfuscations and poetic imagery, much of it is very real. Forget about social media — I often feel suicidal after looking too much at that crap.

Because being online is a factor in feeling worse over time, rather than better — I am currently planning on closing up shop here within the next few days. Domain stuff is up for renewal soon, so it seems like a good time to wrap it up, turn out the lights, and lock the doors.

Maybe I’ll go do something private. Something for me and whatever people out there really give two shits about what I write. Not sure if there are many or any out there who would care to visit if such a place existed, which is fine — I suppose. I’ve always written to write, only rarely for a particular audience.

And sometimes I think I’m just tired of writing anything at all.

I may change my mind in which case I’ll delete this post and carry on. I’ve been known to build up funeral pyres for my efforts and not have the heart to touch the flame to the dead letters. But I wanted to give folks a fair warning so you don’t wonder what the hell happened to that weird guy who went by the name of a bird.

Cheers. Thanks for your patronage and the kind words you’ve given me while I’ve been around.

Michael Raven

27 thoughts on “Dead Letter Office

  1. Do what you need to do, Mr. Raven. Just know that you will be missed sorely. You’re a person of incredible talent so it will be sad to see you go. But I understand. I’ve been there many times. Sometimes you just need a break and a change of scenery, and perhaps a new project. Take care of you, whatever you decide. 💜💜💜✌

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Man, that sounds like a whole lotta rough for someone who deserves way better for himself.
    I’ve always appreciated your realness but taking care of you is more important than the virtual parade. I hope the bright light switches on sooner rather than later and casts out those shadows.

    Feel better!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks Zoe. I’ve always appreciated it banter when it comes into play. Less so, now that you’ve got your beau and I’m so happy that he’s keeping you too busy for such things (although I do miss it).

      I’ve spent all my life in the shadows, but sure I wouldn’t shriek and run away with the other things if someone gave me a bright light to work with. But here’s to hoping.

      Thanks for everything. ♥️

      Like

  3. Well I, for one, would sorely miss you around here. We’ve talked enough that I think you would know that. But then, like all playthings, the boredom sets in, or a mood shifts, and the ending isn’t as worthwhile as the beginning was. So there’s that… and sometimes there’s simply a need for a change of scenery. Something to upset the balance (which doesn’t feel that balanced at times). I guess what I’m saying, like always, is do what you need to do, but I sure would miss you. And that’s the honest truth.

    Liked by 1 person

    • It has less to do with the typical mundane things you mention, and nearly everything to do with being mentally ill.

      As the discussion between Pooh and Eeyore went:

      “Why, what’s the matter?”

      “Nothing, Pooh Bear, nothing. We can’t all, and some of us don’t. That’s all there is to it.”

      Some people are just broke and I’m one of them. I need to take care of that somehow.

      Thank you for your encouragements. Maybe I’ll fix myself and write in public again. Or maybe not stop. But I can’t see a path at this moment, and seems better to just hang up my hat.

      Like

      • Oh I knew exactly what you were talking about. I mean you came right out and explain it. But sometimes I think there’s something deeper going on too. I’d say much love and light to you, but I know you prefer the darkness.

        I may beg to differ with one or two points but my opinions and thoughts hardly matter. I only meant to say, you’ll be missed.

        Like

  4. It will be a shame to not be able to read you – I enjoy reading a lot of what you write. I can understand where you are coming from and yes, being online can add different pressures (especially I feel when you read how much nonsense and plain crap that there is out there). I know that it is far from easy to do (although easy to say) but I do think that depression is something that one has to almost embrace – a bit like an unwanted guest who will never leave, if you get my meaning.
    Whatever your decision I genuinely hope that things go well for you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you, Chris. I get what your saying and I have been trying to do that something just like that. Some days I want to burn everything down, others I can’t wait to write. I may just need to adjust my approach, but maybe I just need to do something entirely different. But I can’t do what I have been doing the way I’ve been doing it. WP has been a relative refuge as a writer, compared to the other options. But sometimes it also makes me go bonkers.

      I’ll probably continue to read others, at a bare minimum. I look forward to reading what you write. Thanks so much for the banter and the shared musical tastes. It makes me feel like I’m not the only person in the world who has heard of Eden House, for instance. At least one more person has! 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  5. If you go, know that you will be sorely missed, and eagerly welcomed back if and when you return. But you must do what you think is best for yourself and your mental health. I appreciate your not disappearing without any explanation or words of farewell, and I wish you all the best in the future. Please take care of yourself and feel free to reach out to me at any time, here or on Twitter.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Bare minimum, I think I’ll still be lurking. I’m still giving myself the full breadth of my deadline, but I’m inclined to continue [at this second, though that could change the next] with significant modifications to my approach on the site and WP in general. But, that’s might just be because I am slightly less angst-ridden than I was several days ago.

      One day, I may take you up on that offer. You and I have always had an easy connection (IMO, anyway) because of our similar interests and life experiences. I’m pretty sure you understand (at least in part) this whole gloom and doom thing I have going on based on our other conversations here and on Twitter.

      Thank you so much for your kindness, both now and in the past. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • You’re most welcome! Yes, I understand more than most people know. I’ve lost weeks, sometimes even months, in an endless succession of listless nights and drunken days. When the things that once brought me joy seem dull and hollow, all I can do is bide my time until the fire that has gone out just as mysteriously rekindles itself. It’s only because I’ve lived with myself for so long that I know better than to lose all hope of regaining that spark, however remote it may seem in the deepest, darkest winter of my soul.

        Liked by 1 person

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