I started thinking, always a dangerous exercise. But I was doing it all the same, in spite of the risks involved.
I’m not entirely certain what it is that I was thinking, but it seems I’ve spent an inordinate amount of time in my life trying to find a convergence between the idea of my fantastic notions of reality and the actual reality instead of just embracing things as they are. In other words, confusing desires with what is. It seems like an absurd activity in light of that realization and I’m not certain what to do about it other than to refuse to play this game any longer.
In part, it has to do with some recent social media experiences I’ve had. There was the episode I wrote about a few days ago, but there have been other instances over the past few months where things just aren’t as kosher as presented on the facade. People I felt were very important to me at one point just don’t seem to value things they way they once did, while I still find value in those experiences and ideas. It’s occurred to me that I’m clinging to something that may never have been there to begin with. Fantasy.
People who were outcasts that I befriended now have other friends and don’t appear to give two shits about that time they were friendless. People I shared laughter with day after day are disinterested in pursuing a resumption of those times, in spite of platitudes to the contrary.
And maybe it’s just my fantasies that got in the way. Maybe they had other friends and were not as lonely as it seemed. Maybe it was one-sided laughter and they were relieved to be shed of my donkey bray.
Let’s not even talk about old flames…
It all seems like I’ve been quite mad all of my life when I start turning up the earth around these things, confusing my imaginings with reality, and these things really do feel like imaginings.
Even here, where I feel most like I’m being myself, I struggle with the idea that there is still may be some illusions that I have failed to pierce. Am I just throwing spaghetti at the wall, wondering if something might stick?
What kind of shackles have I willingly shoved my wrists into? What kinds of fantasy have I willingly attached myself to here? What have I clung to now that is illusion?
I don’t get much out of the other social media sites and I don’t consider WordPress to me social media in the same vein. I’m thinking of pulling out of the other shit. And yet… What if those fantasies are not fantasies, but people are trapped by conventions?
I don’t know. Maybe I’ll just pull back to this site and try to figure it out.