Let’s pretend we’re married

Let’s pretend we’re married and go all night
There ain’t nothin’ wrong if it feels all right
I won’t stop until the morning light
Let’s pretend we’re married and go all night

Prince, Let’s Pretend We’re Married

Oh crap. When my brother finds out that I did things of a distinct lesbian nature with his arranged marriage bride meant to keep the peace between our clans, he’s gonna be soooooo pissed. To be fair, she started it and I just went along with it, and he’s been gone more often he’s been around these past few years — so he might have his own reeving bride… And, apparently, he’s gotten sucked into thinking that prophecy is the way to lead his clan, so maybe he’s not all that interested in her anymore anyway…

I’ve been playing Assassins’ Creed: Valhalla. It’s bloody good fun, but I’m just not in the mood to lop off heads tonight, for whatever reason. The story itself is middling and there are some frustrating game-play mechanics, but it is fun to burn down monasteries and swing two axes in battle, beating the crap out of Saxon fighters and occasionally relieving them of their head. It has bugs aplenty, but only occasionally do I have to reboot the game to save me from wonk. It’s certainly less buggy than an Elder Scrolls or Fallout game, nothing that would prevent me from completing a quest after a reload. I think it has memory sinks, so I’ve taken to rebooting it as a preventative measure (PS4, by the way).

But one thing that I wish games would stop doing is trying to make sex scenes work. The Witcher guys were the most mature about it and least cringe-worthy (in Two and Three; the original game was rank with teenage hormones). I didn’t mind most of it. Dragon Age I, II, III and Mass Effect I, II, III both made me feel like I was playing with my sister’s Barbie dolls without their clothes on (“Oh. Oh. OH! Ken….”). For all that I bitched about my romance with Dr. Death in Persona 5, I was glad for the fade to black. That was more sensible than showing anything. Don’t get me started on a few other games that I could name.

It goes past the realm of uncanny valley, it tends to get awkward looking as collision boxes either merge or repel each other so that it looks like characters have some kind of erotic epilepsy.

I don’t recall other Assassin’s Creed games having romance options, but they are all too willing to toss you in the sack with folks about half-way through the game (I’m guessing here, maybe it’s no more than a third of the game — I’m taking my time). At a wedding, I was propositioned by a drunk guy who had penis-size issues not a few hours earlier (didn’t like me smack-talking him about size) telling me he’d like to show me his “plough -sword”. Shudder. “Did you say something?” “But I… oh. I see.”

Dodged that bullet.

I go back to my thriving town a bit later and was given the opportunity to hit on the baker. I assume that, because I saved him from his past, he should be available to screw. Not nearly as horrible as the guy who wanted to sow my fields, but not exactly a budding romance: “Hey, you know, I kicked that guy’s ass for you, girly man, let’s go find a bed.”

My brother’s wife was depressed. I figured it was because I came home for a spell instead of raiding and whatnot, so I took the opportunity to solve her depression by offering to be her armed escort so she could leave the longhouse for a while. She resisted at first, so I thought, yep — she hates me. I tried again and she was more receptive to the offer. Okay, get her away from the town and some fresh air and she’ll decide she doesn’t hate the fact that I’m doing more for our community than my foster-brother who never comes home.

Then came the questions about other women. “I heard she might like you.” You did? “Did you do anything?” Nope, no time. “That’s too bad, you should have.” WHAAT? “By the way… [kiss]” DAFUQ?

Then we do something all night long after a fade to black, but not fast enough of a fade to avoid the full-armor and weapons passionate kissing like Barbies. A little erotic epilepsy to complete the picture as our armor pushes away from each other. And then I wake up in camp. Alone. Will all my armor and weapons intact.

Romance is a warm axe.

Next time I see my foster-bro, he’s all acting nutty. Does he know? Will I find a bloody goat head in my bed?

Thank goodness Cyberpunk 2077 is out tomorrow for me. Maybe I don’t need to find out if he tried to knife me in bed for boinking his war-bride.


As just mentioned, Cyberpunk 2077 is out at midnight, Polish time, just less than a day from now. Six pm tomorrow it will unlock and I’ll probably spend some time deciding which genitalia I’ll start the game off with. Seeing as you can make a change either way with a quick visit to the ripperdoc, I don’t know if it matters. Apparently, however, you can custom design the look. Meh — I’ll just go woman, but I can’t decide if lesbian or pan-sexual. Ugh! Decisions! Probably fire-engine red locks (or black), with a Mohawk or half-hawk. Tattoos, if I like the ones on offer. Leather biker jacket, if one can be mustered up, with jackboots and leggings. My toon will try to look like the bad-ass “V” she is.

I’ve read some reviews and it sounds similar to what I feared. Buggy, like almost every open world game, but nothing game-breaking like Bethesda puts out. I swear, I don’t know why they get license to be sloppy, but folks like CDPR get mondo grief about fewer bugs. It’ll be patched out, within weeks — unlike Bethesda games which sometimes never get fixes for some bugs because they are “features” after a certain point.

Anyway — I’ll give it a test drive and decide if it needs to cook a bit longer before investing too much time. I do trust the CDPR guys to fix everything they can without sitting on it for ages. I’ll report my experience here for those who might care.

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