I’m hungry for something, but I don’t know what.
It’s not food that I’m after, though the spirits know I wouldn’t mind being excited for food once again. For that, I know I am sick of dietary restrictions and cooking every evening meal for the family, a family that is largely disinterested in explosions of flavor. Spice, exotic or warming, is out or the kids will turn their nose up at it. I miss being able to afford going out to eat ethnic cuisine several days a week (that I didn’t have to cook), without worrying about coronavirus or being an alcoholic or if it will set up an inflammation of my arthritis, or if my blood glucose will skyrocket. Kids make that lifestyle unaffordable.
But that’s not what I’ve craving. Food is somewhat a bother right now, a way to erase the over-active stomach pangs — but there is no real interest in food.
I look for it in escapism, in playing a number of different video games, but the hunger remains free from satiation. Many games, these days, feel like derivative cardboard that I gnaw on. There is no escape for me there. Nor does music have the same impact on me that it used to have, either playing or listening. I’ve mentioned in the past that I can’t seem to enjoy any music from recent years, that it all seems to be lacking an umami, something that gives it a depth of flavor.
Same thing for much of what I try to read for books. It seems tasteless, not as in “poor taste”, but in the sense of leaving me feeling as if I have had this meal hundreds of times before. I have read thousands of books over the years and used to blow through a book every few days, but now I can’t seem to find a tale that doesn’t feel like it is more marketing than wordcraft. More formula designed to sell, rather than something truly reaching for the stars. [This probably contributes to my own terrible writing, making it largely awful because I try too hard to write something different from what I’ve read. I’d probably be a better writer if I didn’t try so hard to stretch beyond my actual skill set; a toolbox that is admittedly lacking and missing a few essential elements.] That’s not to say there are not authors who do reach out, but I’ve discovered there is reaching too far for them as well at times.
I used to be able to satisfy this urge by getting some bleeding-edge technology, familiarizing myself with it and becoming the resident knowledge source. Again, not something that is financially responsible with kids and bills. And I haven’t seen anything that seems truly ahead of the curve in recent years that is affordable by most people’s standards (and makes sense; foldable screen smartphones don’t make sense to me).
I’m hungry for something, but what that thing is, eludes me.